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Chuck Norris jokes

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If you like funny jokes about Chuck Norris, welcome. Endless collection of funny Chuck Norris jokes. Jokes are ordered by rating. Best Chuck Norris jokes are first. You can find here funniest Chuck Norris jokes on the world. Short Chuck Norris jokes for every day!

1.

When Chuck Norris runs backwards during a fight, it may seem like he's retreating.
He's not. He's just attacking from another direction.

11   
6joke rating: 1.83 (11/6)

2.

DID YOU KNOW........

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

20   
11joke rating: 1.82 (20/11)

3.

You know the movie, Alien VS Predator? Well it used to be called Alien VS Predator VS Chuck Norris, but no body would pay to see a fight 7 seconds long.

17   
10joke rating: 1.7 (17/10)

4.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.

13   
8joke rating: 1.63 (13/8)

5.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

16   
11joke rating: 1.45 (16/11)

6.

There is no 'Ctrl' button on Chuck Norri's computer. Chuck Norris is always in control

14   
11joke rating: 1.27 (14/11)

7.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

6   
5joke rating: 1.2 (6/5)

8.

Chuck Norri's tears can cure cancer...
...sadly he never cries....

6   
5joke rating: 1.2 (6/5)

9.

Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris........ After 5 days of extreme pain........ the snake died.

6   
5joke rating: 1.2 (6/5)

10.

Although it is not common knowledge, there are actually three sides to the Force: the light side, the dark side, and Chuck Norris.

14   
12joke rating: 1.17 (14/12)

11.

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

9   
8joke rating: 1.13 (9/8)

12.

Jesus can walk on water, but Chuck Norris can swim through land.

10   
9joke rating: 1.11 (10/9)

13.

Apple pays Chuck Norris 99 cents every time he listens to a song.

9   
9joke rating: 1 (9/9)

14.

Chuck Norris gives Fred Kruger nightmares.

8   
8joke rating: 1 (8/8)

15.

A company once tried to make Chuck Norris toilet paper, but they soon realized it wouldn't work because Chuck Norris won't take shit from anyone.

7   
7joke rating: 1 (7/7)

16.

America once tried to make a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take sh*t from nobody.

8   
9joke rating: 0.89 (8/9)

17.

Chuck Norris went to every planet in the galaxy. That is why there is no life on any of them.

7   
8joke rating: 0.88 (7/8)

18.

Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.

6   
7joke rating: 0.86 (6/7)

19.

Chuck Norris: Who the hell is he?

6   
7joke rating: 0.86 (6/7)

20.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

6   
7joke rating: 0.86 (6/7)

21.

The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck Norris is.

5   
6joke rating: 0.83 (5/6)

22.

Chuck Norris can drown a fish.

8   
10joke rating: 0.8 (8/10)

23.

Chuck Norris lost both his legs in a car accident, but he still managed to walk it off.

6   
8joke rating: 0.75 (6/8)

24.

Some people wear Superman pajamas.
Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

6   
8joke rating: 0.75 (6/8)

25.

Chuck Norris, Mr T and Arnold Schwarzenegger died in a plane crash they got to heavens door way and god asked them what there business is.
Arnold replied "I want to be your right hand man."
Mr T said "I wanna be your left hand man."
Chuck Norris said, "Get the out of my chair."

6   
8joke rating: 0.75 (6/8)

26.

Chuck Norris makes onions CRY!!!

8   
11joke rating: 0.73 (8/11)

27.

Do you know why babys cry when they are born?
Because they know they are entering the world with chuck Norris in it.

5   
7joke rating: 0.71 (5/7)

28.

Chuck Norris is not cool.
By saying that, I have decreased my life to 5 seco.....

5   
7joke rating: 0.71 (5/7)

29.

Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.

7   
10joke rating: 0.7 (7/10)

30.

Chuck Norris doesn't see dead people. He makes people dead.

6   
9joke rating: 0.67 (6/9)

31.

Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.

14   
23joke rating: 0.61 (14/23)

32.

Chuck Norris doesn't travel at the speed of light, light travels at the speed of Chuck Norris!

6   
10joke rating: 0.6 (6/10)

33.

Chuck Norris doesn't check the time - he decides it.

6   
10joke rating: 0.6 (6/10)

34.

Chuck Norris knows Victoria's secret.

4   
7joke rating: 0.57 (4/7)

35.

Chuck Norris doesn't listen to music, music listens to him.

4   
7joke rating: 0.57 (4/7)

36.

Chuck Norris once beat the sun at a staring contest.

4   
7joke rating: 0.57 (4/7)

37.

When Truman decided to bomb Hiroshima for World War II it was because it was more humane than sending in Chuck Norris.

4   
7joke rating: 0.57 (4/7)

38.

Oxygen needs Chuck Norris to survive.

5   
9joke rating: 0.56 (5/9)

39.

People have near-death experiences. Death has Near-Chuck-Norris experiences.

6   
11joke rating: 0.55 (6/11)

40.

Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.

6   
11joke rating: 0.55 (6/11)

41.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to Red Cross.
Just newer his own.

7   
15joke rating: 0.47 (7/15)

42.

Everybody loves Raymond. Except for Chuck Norris.

5   
10joke rating: 0.5 (5/10)

43.

People believe in God. God believe in Chuck Norris.

5   
11joke rating: 0.45 (5/11)

44.

Chuck Norris never suffers from a heart attack. His heart is too smart to not attack him.

4   
10joke rating: 0.4 (4/10)

45.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom.
Because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

4   
15joke rating: 0.27 (4/15)

46.

God wanted 10 days to build the world, Chuck Norris gave him 6.

4   
12joke rating: 0.33 (4/12)

47.

God said, "Let there be light."
Chuck Norris said, "Say please."

4   
10joke rating: 0.4 (4/10)

48.

Most leading hand sanitizers say that they can kil 99.99% of all germs.
Chuck Norris can kill 100% of WHATEVER HE WANTS.

4   
8joke rating: 0.5 (4/8)

49.

Once while having s*x in a tractor-trailer, part of Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and ran into the engine.
We now know this truck....as Optimus Prime.

3   
14joke rating: 0.21 (3/14)

50.

Chuck Norris email address is Yahoo@chucknorris.com.

3   
9joke rating: 0.33 (3/9)

51.

Chuck Norris taught Micheal Jackson to moonwalk.

3   
14joke rating: 0.21 (3/14)

52.

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC will crash.

3   
7joke rating: 0.43 (3/7)

53.

Chuck Norris actually died a while back.
Death just can't get the nerve to tell him.

3   
10joke rating: 0.3 (3/10)

54.

Chuck Norris' beard can shave a razor.

3   
12joke rating: 0.25 (3/12)

55.

Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

3   
8joke rating: 0.38 (3/8)

56.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris.
It was more "humane".

3   
13joke rating: 0.23 (3/13)

57.

Chuck Norris has been on Mars, that's why there is no life there.

3   
8joke rating: 0.38 (3/8)

58.

Dinesors once looked at Chuck Norris the worng way, ONCE.

2   
10joke rating: 0.2 (2/10)

59.

In school they probably told you Newton had 3 laws of motion. Turns out there are 4.
Newton's first three and Chuck Norris.

2   
9joke rating: 0.22 (2/9)

60.

Chuck Norris doesn't celebrate Xmas, Xmas celebrates Chuck Norris.

2   
12joke rating: 0.17 (2/12)

61.

The quickest way to a mans heart is with Chuck Norris' fist!

2   
9joke rating: 0.22 (2/9)

62.

Chuck Norris found the Hidden Valley Ranch

2   
12joke rating: 0.17 (2/12)

63.

Only Chuck Norris can tell you the answer to your question before you ask it.

2   
12joke rating: 0.17 (2/12)

64.

Sharks are not living on the sea because they can't breath on continent.
They live on a sea, because Chuck Norris doesn't.

1   
10joke rating: 0.1 (1/10)

65.

If you look back far enough in your family tree, Chuck Norris appears at least three times.

1   
10joke rating: 0.1 (1/10)

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