Family jokes

1.

A husband and wife are eating soup. the wife spills soup all over her and says:
"Oh no, I look like a pig"
"Yes and you also have soup all over you!"

2.

Genuine advert. in New York Newspaper

Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannia. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed.
Got married last weekend. Wife knows f## king everything.

3.

Boy: Mommy can i go swimming?
Mommy: No because there are sharks in the water.
Boy: But daddy is swimming.
Mommy: Yeah,but daddy has insurance.

4.

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

5.

Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table.
The mother asks the oldest boy what he'd like to eat. "I'll have some f*ckin' French toast," he says.
The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs.
She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f*ckin' French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away.
Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don't know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don't want the f*ckin' French toast."

6.

HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight?
WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board, while I sit on the sofa and fart.

7.

A man had six children and was very proud of his achievement.
He was so proud of himself that he started calling his wife, 'Mother of Six', in spite of her objections.
One night they went to a party. He decided that it was time to go home, and wanted to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
He shouted at the top of his voice,"Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouted back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

8.

After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled, "The Meaning of Dreams."

9.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."

10.

Two friends were having a discussion about their relatives....
"I'll never amount to anything in life..," said the one friend. "In fact, my uncle is the town drunk.."
"Well...that's not too bad," replied the other, trying to console his friend. "Where does your uncle live..?"
"New York City..."