JOKESYOU

DISCOVER WORLD OF JOKES

Jokes for men

funny joke

If you like funny men jokes, welcome. Endless collection of hilarious men jokes. Jokes for men are ordered by rating. Best men jokes are first. You can find here funniest men jokes on the world. Jokes for men for every day!

1.

A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive.
The woman says to the clerk at the counter, "I'm looking to buy a pet for my husband but I'm on a very short budget!."
"No worries," replies the clerk.
"We've just ordered in a very large bullfrog that can give bl*wjobs."
"Bl*wjobs," says the woman, buying the frog, thinking it would be a great gag gift, so she goes home and gives the frog to her husband explaining the frogs talent.
With a laugh the husband walks off leaving the frog in the kitchen.
In the middle of the night the woman wakes up to the sound of pots and pans flying around in the kitchen.
She goes down to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing?" she asks.
"Well," says the husband. "If I can teach this frog to cook you are outta here."

13   
4joke rating: 3.25 (13/4)

2.

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."
"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

29   
9joke rating: 3.22 (29/9)

3.

A man goes to see a wizard and says, "Can you lift a curse that was put on me years ago?"
"Maybe," says the wizard, "If you can remember the exact words of the curse?"
The man replies without hesitation, "I pronounce you man and wife ..."

22   
7joke rating: 3.14 (22/7)

4.

A guy walks into a bar and sees a dog lying in the corner licking his balls.
He turns to the bartender and says, "Boy, I wish I could do that."
The Bartender replies, "You'd better try petting him first."

18   
6joke rating: 3 (18/6)

5.

Man walking into bedroom sees wife packing a case.
He asks, "Where are you going?"
She replies, "I'm going to New York, I've heard prostitutes get $400 a time for what I do for free."
The man starts packing case.
Wife asks, "Where are you going?"
He replies, "I'm coming to just to see how you are going to live on $800 a year."

44   
15joke rating: 2.93 (44/15)

6.

A very fat woman comes into a store and tells the clerk,
"I would like to see a bikini that fits me."
Clerk, "me too..."

11   
4joke rating: 2.75 (11/4)

7.

There was three people approaching the gates of heaven But there was only one place left. The gate keeper asked the first man what happened to him because the one with the worst death would go inn.
The first man said: "Well imagine that I expected my wife was having an affair, so I got home early to surprise her. I found her in the bathroom with a towel round her so I knew she wasn't having a shower so I search the apartment and found 10 fingers hanging from the window sill. So I started bashing away at them. When he fell god must have loved him, because he lived. So I threw a refrigerator at him. After all the excitement I died of a heart attack."
That's horrific said the gate keeper, he asked the second man how he died and he said.
"Well imagine this I was riding one of those stationary bike on the top of our apartment building but it went wrong I feel down and grabbed some ones window sill. Then some idiot started bashing ar my fingers then I fell but god must have loved me because i lived then -SHANNOOOWWWW- a refrigerator plunged down at me."
That is to horrific. He asked the third man how he died and he said.
"Well imagine that I was naked in a refrigerator......."

19   
7joke rating: 2.71 (19/7)

8.

A man goes to a bar says, "Barman drinks on me to you the owner and everybody else in here!"
Comes the end of the night the man say...sorry man it seems i forgot my wallet.
The barman kicks him in the guts and throws him out.
The next day the man comes again, "Barman drinks on me to you the owner and everybody else in here!"
Comes the end of the night the man say...sorry man i don't have any money on me.
The barman hits him in the face with bar stool brakes his leg and throws him out.
The following day the man comes to the bar again, "Barman drinks on me for the owner and everybody else in here!"
Barman says, "What am not getting a free drink tonight?"
"Sorry man but you get violent when you drink."

8   
3joke rating: 2.67 (8/3)

9.

MALE LOGIC
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one 5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the 5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the 5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the largest breasts...

17   
7joke rating: 2.43 (17/7)

10.

A priest and a shepherd from Australia participate in a TV game. After answering all the questions, there is a tie. So both are given one final assignment. It is to write a poem in three minutes, using the word "Timbuktu". It is city in Africa.

The priest returns with the fruit of his inspiration:

"I was a father all my life,
I had no children, had no wife,
I read the bible through and through
on my way to Timbuktu ... "

The poem makes a great impression, and the priest smells a sweet victory. But then comes the shepherd, with his winning masterpiece:

"When Tim and I to Brisbane went
We met three ladies cheap to rent.
They were three and we were two,
So I booked one and Tim Booked Two ... "

12   
6joke rating: 2 (12/6)

11.

When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big boobs.

13   
7joke rating: 1.86 (13/7)

12.

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Pollack were having a drink together at the local tavern.
The Irishman says,"...You know, where I'm from, there's a bar called "O'Mally's", where you buy a drink, then you buy another drink, and then O'Mally himself buys you a drink."
The Italian then says, "Well....where I'm from, there's a place called "Vinnie's", where you buy a drink, then Vinnie buy you a drink, then you buy another drink, and then Vinnie buys you another drink.."
The Pollack then says, "Well...where I come from, there's a bar where they buy you a drink, then they buy you another drink, and then they buy you another drink, and then they take you in back, and then you get laid!"
The Irishman and the Italian both respond with, "Gee....that sounds like a great place ! Have you ever been there?"
"No..." said the Pollack, "....but my sister has ...."

9   
5joke rating: 1.8 (9/5)

13.

Scientists have finally discovered what is wrong with the female brain:
On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left.

14   
9joke rating: 1.56 (14/9)

14.

When I got home last night my wife demanded that I 'take her somewhere expensive' ...
I took her to a petrol station ...

15   
10joke rating: 1.5 (15/10)

15.

I'm going to watch my wedding video later 'backwards'.
I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.

9   
6joke rating: 1.5 (9/6)

16.

A couple of Texas hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, lets make sure he's dead..."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard.
The hunter says, "OK, now what?"

6   
4joke rating: 1.5 (6/4)

17.

A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.
The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem.
The husband said, "Ship her home."
Shocked, the undertaker asked, "But sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?
"The husband replied, "A long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance!"

10   
7joke rating: 1.43 (10/7)

18.

One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.
The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

7   
5joke rating: 1.4 (7/5)

19.

A man was digging a ditch, when he uncovered a lamp.
When he brushed it off, a genie popped out and said, "To show my gratitude for releasing me, I'll grant you one wish.."
The man thought for a second, reached into his pocket, pulled out a map of the world, pointed to the Middle-East, and replied, "I want you to bring peace to this area."
"Ooooh....I'm so sorry, that's impossible" said the genie. "There's absolutely no way I could accomplish such a great feat, so you'll have to choose another wish..."
The man then said, "Well....then I want to understand women....?"
The genie thought for a minute then said, "Can I see that map again..?"

7   
5joke rating: 1.4 (7/5)

20.

Wife says to husband:

- I am tired of being your maid, I am filing for divorce!
- No, you are fired!

11   
8joke rating: 1.38 (11/8)

21.

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.
"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.
"What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.
"He says you're gonna die."

12   
9joke rating: 1.33 (12/9)

22.

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man."
The man then replies: "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."

8   
6joke rating: 1.33 (8/6)

23.

A man ask his wife, "What would you do if I won the lottery?"
Wife says, "I would take half and leave you."
Man says, "Great! I've won a tenner, here a fiver now f..k off!"

10   
8joke rating: 1.25 (10/8)

24.

Ive got a new anorexic girlfriend.
Its not going too well though. I'm just seeing less and less of her ...

8   
7joke rating: 1.14 (8/7)

25.

A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house like he used to.
When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

8   
7joke rating: 1.14 (8/7)

26.

I went to blockbusters last night and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever.
The bloke at the counter said, "NO you have to bring it back tomorrow!"

9   
9joke rating: 1 (9/9)

27.

Three guys are at a restaurant, all with their girlfriends.
The first guy, thinking he is all suave, says to his girlfriend, "Could you pass me the honey?...Honey.
Now, the second guy, copying the first, says to his girlfriend, "Could you pass me the sugar?....Sugar.
So now, the third guy is under pressure. He has to come up with something good.
After, a minute of thinking he says to his girlfriend, "Pass me the pork...pig."

9   
9joke rating: 1 (9/9)

28.

This guy walks into a bar and sits down on a stool and places a bottle of prescribe medication on the bar, the man sitting next to him says, "What is that?"
The guy says, "These are smart pills," you take one and it makes you smarter.
The half drunk man says, "Your joking aren't you? and the guy says, "No I am not."
So the drunk says to the bar tender, "Give a large glass of beer."
The drunk opens the bottle and takes a pill and washes it down. A few minutes later the drunk says, "I don't feel smarter." and the guy says, "Well some people require more than one pill."
So the drunk takes another pill and washes it down and few minutes later he says, "I still don't feel any smarter. So the drunk says, "Hey,let me see those pills," the drunk takes a pill and smells it and says," it smells like shit and he tastes it and says, "It tastes like shit."
The guy says, "See! your getting smartes allready."

6   
6joke rating: 1 (6/6)

29.

Two hunters shot a deer, and were dragging him to the car by the hind leg, which was difficult because the other legs kept snagging in the brush.
"Chet, I've got an idea, I think we are doing this wrong. Let's try dragging him by the horns, like we were advised by the ammo-store salesman."
"OK," says Ivan.
After a while, Ivan says, "I think this is a lot better because his legs fold up and don't get caught in the brush, but we seem to be getting farther from the car."

7   
9joke rating: 0.78 (7/9)

30.

Man to beautiful air hostess, "What is your name?"
Air hostess, "Benz, Sir."
Man, "Lovely name. Any relation with Mercedez Benz?"
Air hostess, "SAME PRICE, Sir..."

5   
7joke rating: 0.71 (5/7)

31.

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Generally, he was driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long? Hit the ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
His partner ponders this for a moment, and then replies:
"Forget it man, you don`t stand a snowball`s chance in hell of hitting her from here!"

4   
6joke rating: 0.67 (4/6)

32.

What's the difference between a bachelor & a married man?
Bachelor comes home, see's what's in the fridge & goes to bed.
Married man comes home, see's what's in the bed & goes to the fridge.

4   
6joke rating: 0.67 (4/6)

33.

A woman went shopping. She walks to checkout counter and then the salesman packs all her groceries: milk, cheese, orange juice, half of bread, bar of soap, toothpaste...
All of a sudden the salesman asks her:
- You're single, aren't you?
A bit surprised woman smiles and answers:
- That's right, but how did you guessed that?
- Because you're so ugly.

9   
14joke rating: 0.64 (9/14)

34.

Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman?
Not only am I going to hell, but I will never know why.

7   
11joke rating: 0.64 (7/11)

35.

Its my birthday today.
My wife has said that shes going to make it my most special birthday ever ...
I wonder where shes going?

7   
11joke rating: 0.64 (7/11)

36.

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a blonde who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect blonde? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect blonde. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

5   
8joke rating: 0.63 (5/8)

37.

The wife told me to talk to her like she was special the other day.
So I said, "Gooooo ... annddd ... makkee ... meeee ... a ... cuuuppp ... offffff ... coofffeeeeeee ..."

7   
13joke rating: 0.54 (7/13)

38.

Man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, I cant stop my hands from shaking!"
Doctor replies, "Do you drink much?"
Man says, "No, I spill most of it!"

5   
10joke rating: 0.5 (5/10)

39.

Police have found the body of a man in the Thames wearing a Chelsea shirt, women underwear, fishnet stockings, suspenders and with an extra large dildo stuck up his arse.
They have removed the Chelsea shirt to save the family any embarrassment ...

4   
9joke rating: 0.44 (4/9)

40.

Husband came home from the pub at 3'o clock this morning. Wife was waiting at the door with a rolling pin.
I said to her, "What are you doing 'baking' at this time of the night?"

4   
12joke rating: 0.33 (4/12)

41.

An Italian and a Greek were arguing about which country added the most to civilization.

The Greek: We built the Acropolis!
the Italian: We built the Colloseum!

The Greek: We gave the world advanced math!
the Italian: We made the Roman Empire!

The Greek: We discovered sex!!
the Italian: And we introduced it to women!!

3   
8joke rating: 0.38 (3/8)

42.

A Muslim was sat next to an Australian on an airplane. After the plane had taken off the air hostess came over and asked for drinks orders.
The Australian orders Jack Daniels and coke.
The air hostess asks the Muslim if he too would like a drink?
Looking at the Australians drink, the Muslim replies in disgust, "I would rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores and had my head shoved up a sheep's arsehole, than let liquor pass my lips!"
The Aussie passes the drink back to the air hostess and says, "Strewth, I didn't know we had a choice!"

3   
13joke rating: 0.23 (3/13)

43.

- Jennifer, wanna go to my place?
- I am not Jennifer
- But I didn't ask about that...

3   
19joke rating: 0.16 (3/19)

Copyright ©2008 Jokesyou.com | Contact us