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A woman went shopping. She walks to checkout counter and then the salesman packs all her groceries: milk, cheese, orange juice, half of bread, bar of soap, toothpaste...
All of a sudden the salesman asks her:
- You're single, aren't you?
A bit surprised woman smiles and answers:
- That's right, but how did you guessed that?
- Because you're so ugly.
An Italian and a Greek were arguing about which country added the most to civilization.
The Greek: We built the Acropolis!
the Italian: We built the Colloseum!
The Greek: We gave the world advanced math!
the Italian: We made the Roman Empire!
The Greek: We discovered sex!!
the Italian: And we introduced it to women!!
A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive.
The woman says to the clerk at the counter, "I'm looking to buy a pet for my husband but I'm on a very short budget!."
"No worries," replies the clerk.
"We've just ordered in a very large bullfrog that can give bl*wjobs."
"Bl*wjobs," says the woman, buying the frog, thinking it would be a great gag gift, so she goes home and gives the frog to her husband explaining the frogs talent.
With a laugh the husband walks off leaving the frog in the kitchen.
In the middle of the night the woman wakes up to the sound of pots and pans flying around in the kitchen.
She goes down to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing?" she asks.
"Well," says the husband. "If I can teach this frog to cook you are outta here."
Scientists have finally discovered what is wrong with the female brain:
On the left side, there is nothing right, and on the right side, there is nothing left.
Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman?
Not only am I going to hell, but I will never know why.
Ive got a new anorexic girlfriend.
Its not going too well though. I'm just seeing less and less of her ...
A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.
The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem.
The husband said, "Ship her home."
Shocked, the undertaker asked, "But sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?
"The husband replied, "A long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance!"
There is a man who has three girlfriends, but he does not know which one to marry. So he decides to give each one 5000 and see how each of them spends it.
The first one goes out and gets a total makeover with the money. She gets new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the man, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to the man. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the 5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the 5000 to the man and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
The man thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money and decided to marry the one with the largest breasts...
I went to blockbusters last night and asked if I could borrow Batman Forever.
The bloke at the counter said, "NO you have to bring it back tomorrow!"
Husband came home from the pub at 3'o clock this morning. Wife was waiting at the door with a rolling pin.
I said to her, "What are you doing 'baking' at this time of the night?"
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