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Husband came home from the pub at 3'o clock this morning. Wife was waiting at the door with a rolling pin.
I said to her, "What are you doing 'baking' at this time of the night?"
Could you imagine if God turns out to be a woman?
Not only am I going to hell, but I will never know why.
Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.
"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says.
He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.
"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground."
The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.
"What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.
"He says you're gonna die."
I'm going to watch my wedding video later 'backwards'.
I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.
A man and his ever nagging wife were on holiday in Jerusalem, when the wife suddenly died.
The funeral company told the man that it would cost 45000 to ship her home or $500 to bury her in Jerusalem.
The husband said, "Ship her home."
Shocked, the undertaker asked, "But sir, why don't you bury her in the Holy Land and save the money?
"The husband replied, "A long time ago, a man was buried here and 3 days later, he rose from the dead ... I cant take the chance!"
Its my birthday today.
My wife has said that shes going to make it my most special birthday ever ...
I wonder where shes going?
A man was digging a ditch, when he uncovered a lamp.
When he brushed it off, a genie popped out and said, "To show my gratitude for releasing me, I'll grant you one wish.."
The man thought for a second, reached into his pocket, pulled out a map of the world, pointed to the Middle-East, and replied, "I want you to bring peace to this area."
"Ooooh....I'm so sorry, that's impossible" said the genie. "There's absolutely no way I could accomplish such a great feat, so you'll have to choose another wish..."
The man then said, "Well....then I want to understand women....?"
The genie thought for a minute then said, "Can I see that map again..?"
Man to beautiful air hostess, "What is your name?"
Air hostess, "Benz, Sir."
Man, "Lovely name. Any relation with Mercedez Benz?"
Air hostess, "SAME PRICE, Sir..."
An Irishman, an Italian, and a Pollack were having a drink together at the local tavern.
The Irishman says,"...You know, where I'm from, there's a bar called "O'Mally's", where you buy a drink, then you buy another drink, and then O'Mally himself buys you a drink."
The Italian then says, "Well....where I'm from, there's a place called "Vinnie's", where you buy a drink, then Vinnie buy you a drink, then you buy another drink, and then Vinnie buys you another drink.."
The Pollack then says, "Well...where I come from, there's a bar where they buy you a drink, then they buy you another drink, and then they buy you another drink, and then they take you in back, and then you get laid!"
The Irishman and the Italian both respond with, "Gee....that sounds like a great place ! Have you ever been there?"
"No..." said the Pollack, "....but my sister has ...."
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a blonde who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect blonde? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect blonde. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."
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