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If you like funny one line jokes, welcome. Endless collection of short one liner jokes. Jokes are ordered by rating. Best one line jokes are first. You can find here funniest one liner jokes on the world. Top one liner jokes for every day!

1.

Q: Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game?

A: Because all the fans have left.

42   
11joke rating: 3.82 (42/11)

2.

Q: Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm the school bell.
A: Take These tablets and if they don't work give me a ring in the morning.

17   
5joke rating: 3.4 (17/5)

3.

Q: Why do birds fly south in the winter?
A: Because it's too far to walk!

51   
16joke rating: 3.19 (51/16)

4.

Q: What happens to the man who lost his whole left side of his body?
A: He is all right now.

81   
26joke rating: 3.12 (81/26)

5.

Q: What did the bee say to the flower?

A: Hi, honey.

41   
14joke rating: 2.93 (41/14)

6.

Alcohol doesn't make you FAT ... it makes you LEAN ... against tables, chairs, floors, walls and ugly people !

30   
11joke rating: 2.73 (30/11)

7.

Marriage is a three ring circus
... engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering ...

35   
13joke rating: 2.69 (35/13)

8.

The best time to start thinking about your retirement is before the boss does.

21   
8joke rating: 2.63 (21/8)

9.

An ideal man doesn't drink, doesn't snore, doesn't watch football, doesn't argue and DOESN'T EXIST.

31   
12joke rating: 2.58 (31/12)

10.

Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?

A: You can unscrew a light bulb.

55   
22joke rating: 2.5 (55/22)

11.

Q: What's the richest kind of air?

A: Billionaire.

14   
6joke rating: 2.33 (14/6)

12.

Q: What do two oceans do when they meet?
A: Nothing! Just wave

16   
7joke rating: 2.29 (16/7)

13.

Q: Which runs faster, hot or cold?

A: Hot. Everyone can catch cold.

18   
8joke rating: 2.25 (18/8)

14.

Q: Why are women like parking spaces ?

A: Because all the best ones are taken....and the rest are handicapped.

33   
15joke rating: 2.2 (33/15)

15.

Q; What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: That's cute, but can it pick up peanuts!

21   
11joke rating: 1.91 (21/11)

16.

Q: If my main parachute doesn't open and my reserve parachute doesn't open, how long till i hit the ground?
A: The rest of your life...

12   
7joke rating: 1.71 (12/7)

17.

Q: What is the best type of ship?
A: FRIENDSHIP!

18   
11joke rating: 1.64 (18/11)

18.

Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: About 45 pounds.

19   
13joke rating: 1.46 (19/13)

19.

Q: Whats long, hard, and full of seman?

A: A submarine.

13   
9joke rating: 1.44 (13/9)

20.

If God didn't want us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them out of food.

15   
11joke rating: 1.36 (15/11)

21.

Q: Which is the oldest animal in the world?
A: The Zebra. It is the only animal that is still black and white.

16   
12joke rating: 1.33 (16/12)

22.

Q: Why did the Skeleton go to the movies by himself?
A: He had no body to go with him.

16   
12joke rating: 1.33 (16/12)

23.

What do you call a old snowman?

Water.

13   
10joke rating: 1.3 (13/10)

24.

My idea of balanced diet is beer in each hand.

19   
15joke rating: 1.27 (19/15)

25.

Q: What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?

A: Not enough sand.

12   
10joke rating: 1.2 (12/10)

26.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit...retire!

8   
7joke rating: 1.14 (8/7)

27.

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes school.

11   
10joke rating: 1.1 (11/10)

28.

Q: Why is it hard to play the card game "Uno" with a group of Mexicans?

A: Because they all take the green cards.

16   
15joke rating: 1.07 (16/15)

29.

I like my women the same as I like my whiskey ...
20 years old and mixed up with coke!

10   
10joke rating: 1 (10/10)

30.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any..

8   
8joke rating: 1 (8/8)

31.

Q: How can you tell when a woman is about to say something smart?
A: When she starts a sentence with, "A man once told me."

14   
15joke rating: 0.93 (14/15)

32.

A woman wants everything from one man.
A man wants one thing from all women.

14   
15joke rating: 0.93 (14/15)

33.

Q: What did Zero say to Eight?

A: Nice belt!

11   
12joke rating: 0.92 (11/12)

34.

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.

7   
8joke rating: 0.88 (7/8)

35.

Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a well mannered professional torturer?
A. The torturer would apologize first.

7   
8joke rating: 0.88 (7/8)

36.

Q: What is a mexican's favorite sport?
A: Cross country.

17   
20joke rating: 0.85 (17/20)

37.

Q. Why did the golfer wear tho pairs of pants?
A. In case he got a hole in one.

10   
12joke rating: 0.83 (10/12)

38.

Q: What's the best way to get a hold of a lawyer?
A: By the neck...

10   
12joke rating: 0.83 (10/12)

39.

Q: Should I have another baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

9   
11joke rating: 0.82 (9/11)

40.

Q:What do American beer and making love in a canoe have in common?

A: It's fu*king close to water!

11   
14joke rating: 0.79 (11/14)

41.

Q: What is a baby's motto
A: If at first you don't succeed cry cry again!

7   
9joke rating: 0.78 (7/9)

42.

Q: What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
A: Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

6   
8joke rating: 0.75 (6/8)

43.

When is a door sweet and tasty??

When its jammed!!!

10   
14joke rating: 0.71 (10/14)

44.

Q: What do pilots eat?
A: Plane biscuits.

7   
10joke rating: 0.7 (7/10)

45.

Two fish in a tank - one says to the other, "How do you drive this thing?"

9   
13joke rating: 0.69 (9/13)

46.

Q: Why do women have smaller feet then men?
A: So that they can stand closer to the kitchen sink!

13   
19joke rating: 0.68 (13/19)

47.

Q: What is the best organized thing in our world?
A: Crime.

7   
11joke rating: 0.64 (7/11)

48.

Q:What's the difference between a computer salesman and a used-car salesman?

A:The used-car salesman KNOWS when he's lying.

6   
10joke rating: 0.6 (6/10)

49.

What is the ideal weight of a lawyer?

About three pounds, including the urn.

6   
10joke rating: 0.6 (6/10)

50.

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

6   
10joke rating: 0.6 (6/10)

51.

The Internet:
Where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI ...

7   
12joke rating: 0.58 (7/12)

52.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids leave home.

7   
12joke rating: 0.58 (7/12)

53.

I've never smoked marijuana in my life, because I get really sleepy afterward...

11   
19joke rating: 0.58 (11/19)

54.

Q:How can you get four suits for a dollar?

A:Buy a deck of cards.

8   
14joke rating: 0.57 (8/14)

55.

Q: What's the difference between a pile of dead bodies and a Lamborghini?
A: I don't have a Lamborghini in my garage.

8   
15joke rating: 0.53 (8/15)

56.

Q: Why did the woman cross the road?

A: I don't know, the real question is, why was she out of the kitchen?

10   
23joke rating: 0.43 (10/23)

57.

Q: What's six inches long, has a head on it and drives women wild?
A: A fifty pound note!

8   
17joke rating: 0.47 (8/17)

58.

Q:Where do wild pigs go on weekends?
A: Pignics.

7   
14joke rating: 0.5 (7/14)

59.

"Knock, knock.Who's there?"
very long pause...
"Java."

6   
15joke rating: 0.4 (6/15)

60.

Q: Why did Jesus quit playing hockey?
A:Because he kept getting nailed to the boards.

5   
53joke rating: 0.09 (5/53)

61.

Q: What has four legs and an arm?
A: A Happy Pit Bull.

5   
16joke rating: 0.31 (5/16)

62.

Q: What has a hundred balls and f*cks old women?
A: Bingo!

5   
17joke rating: 0.29 (5/17)

63.

Q. What's the difference between an aerobics instructor and a dentist?

A. A dentist lets you sit down while he hurts you.

5   
13joke rating: 0.38 (5/13)

64.

Whats brown, made of concrete, and shits in the woods ?
A bear, just added the concrete to make it sound interesting ...

4   
13joke rating: 0.31 (4/13)

65.

My uncle is with the FBI. They caught him in Cleveland.

3   
12joke rating: 0.25 (3/12)

66.

Whats the chemical formula of compressed liquid oxygen?
O2.zip

2   
11joke rating: 0.18 (2/11)

67.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

2   
8joke rating: 0.25 (2/8)

68.

Q: What is the biggest mouse in the world?

A: Enormous.

2   
21joke rating: 0.1 (2/21)

69.

Doctor Doctor I feel like a sheep, baaaa.

2   
17joke rating: 0.12 (2/17)

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