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A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a second."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a second."
Jesus and devil had an argument as to who is better programmer.
It took some time untill they came to an agreement to hold a contest, with the God as a judge. They were typing for a long time and then unexpectedly was a cut of power. Moments later, when the power is restored, God announces the contest is over. He asks devil to show what he has come up with.
Devil cries and says: I have nothing, I lost everything when the power went out"
God came to Jesus and asked him to show his project. Jesus entered the command and the screen appeared full of excellent programs.
Devil couldn't believe that. "How did he do that? There was a power cut!" - Devil asked.
God smiled and said: "Jesus saves".
A nun woke up one morning feeling great, she got out of bed and decided to go to the kitchen for some breakfast.
On her way over there she runs into sister Jane and she says, "Hi sister Jane," by which sister Jane says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed sister.
She did not understand what sister Jane meant by that so she ignored it and went on.
She was passing by the garden when she ran into sister Roberta and she says, "Good morning sister Roberta I am having a great day. Sister Roberta says, "I see you got off on the wrong side of the bed."
The nun was wondering why everybody she met kept saying that when she felt great so she decides to go and see mother superior.
She asks mother superior, "Everybody keeps telling me that I got off on the wrong side of the bed when I feel great and mother superior says,"That is because you have brother Johns shoes on."
The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on stage in front of a huge crowd. The Pope leaned towards Mrs. Pelosi and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!"
Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped her.
It was Christmas time and this woman invited all her family to her house to eat. So they gathered around the table and she asked her son to pray.
He said: "But I do not know what to say."
She said: "Say what I said this morning."
So he said: "Dear God, why did I invite all these people to my house?"
Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife.
So Irv dies. Sid doesn't hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife.
Then one day he gets a call. It's Irv. "So there is an afterlife! What's it like?" Sid asks.
"Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex. Take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep, and wake up the next day."
"Oh, my God," says Sid. "So that's what heaven is like?"
"Oh no," says Irv. "I'm not in heaven. I'm a bear in Yellowstone Park."
A guy dies and is sent to hell. Extremely frightened because of that, he is very surprised when he arrives; beach, palm trees, sun is shining, happy people around in shorts and bikinis. Behind the next corner there are people eating great food and there's some cool music playing.
After some time of wondering, a man in an expensive suit approaches him and says: "Hi, you must be the new one. Welcome to hell, I'm the devil. As you're gonna spend eternity here, make yourself comfortable and have a drink. If anything bothers you, always feel free to ask me."
The guy still doesn't really understand what's going on, this is not what he expected. But finally he decides to inspect the area. Everywhere he goes, there are people laughing and having a great time, there's games, party and fun all around. Then he arrives at a steep cliff that divides the paradise hell from an area underneath, and there is hell as we know it: demons torturing the doomed, there's fire and the smell of brimstone.
Shocked, he runs to the devil and says "Devil, how can that be? Here, we have the sweet eternity and down there people are tortured and burned! How can that be?!"
The devil laughs and says "Oh, that. That's the Catholics - they want it that way."
Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die.
Upon Jeff's arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.
"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.
St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."
Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"
So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous sexy blonde in a bikini, and also with keg of beer.
"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.
"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it............. and the blonde doesn't."
A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"
"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"
"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair
remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have
really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they
will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under
"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not
"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask
you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.
The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented
himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to
"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my
Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the
sash down, what do you have?"
The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument
designed for use by women, but which has never been used."
Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father.
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