Retirement jokes

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Boy asks his Gran nervously, "Have you seen my pills ... they were labeled LSD?"
Gran replies, " your pills! Have you seen the dragon in the kitchen!"

9joke rating: 2.78 (25/9)


I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.

5joke rating: 2.6 (13/5)


It was entertainment night at the Senior Center.

Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: "I'm here to put you into a trance;
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on
this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for
six generations"

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. . ."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth,
light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs eyes followed the
swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and
fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"SH*T!" said the Hypnotist.

It took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

4joke rating: 2.5 (10/4)


I used to hate weddings, all the old ladies would prod me and say, "You'll be next!"
They soon stopped that, when I started saying it to them at funerals!

8joke rating: 2.13 (17/8)


A senior citizen was driving down the freeway when his wife called his cell phone.
"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Route 280. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman, "It's hundreds of them!"

12joke rating: 2.08 (25/12)


An older couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about s*x?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently ", she replied. The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"

10joke rating: 1.3 (13/10)


A 90 year old women goes to the doctor.
Dr I can't stop farting, sure they don't smell and make no noise but still I can't take it any more.
Well take these pills every day and come back in a week.
Dr what did you do to me not only am i still farting now they smell as well!
Oh very well , now about your hearing...

20joke rating: 0.35 (7/20)

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