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If you like funny work jokes or office jokes, welcome. Nice collection jokes about professions as lawyers jokes or doctors jokes. Jokes from work are ordered by rating. Best work jokes are first. You can find here funniest work jokes on the world. Profession jokes for every day!

1.

Doctor! I have a serious problem, I can never remember what i just said.
When did you first notice this problem?
What problem?

46   
13joke rating: 3.54 (46/13)

2.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a five-week vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching your retirement fund to 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?"
The young engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

9   
3joke rating: 3 (9/3)

3.

Big inspection on a build site/yard.
The boss tells the workers : what ever happens just act as usual.
The inspection committee were inspecting when a wall just collapses.
-(Worker looking at his watch) : 10:15, just on time

6   
2joke rating: 3 (6/2)

4.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.
"And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson ponders for a minute."Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

12   
5joke rating: 2.4 (12/5)

5.

Patient goes to Doctor, doctor starts looking at him...

- Good, good, good...
- Doctor, what's good?
- Good that I don't have what you have...

12   
5joke rating: 2.4 (12/5)

6.

A doctor says to his patient, "I have bad news and worse news".
"Oh dear, what's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies, "You only have 24 hours to live."
That's terrible," said the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
The doctor replies, "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

9   
4joke rating: 2.25 (9/4)

7.

An engineer and a physicist are in a hot-air balloon. After a few hours they lose track of where they are and descend to get directions.
They yell to a jogger, "Hey, can you tell us where we're at?"
After a few moments the jogger responds, "You're in a hot-air balloon."
The engineer says, "You must be a mathematician."
The jogger, shocked, responds, "Yeah, how did you know I was a mathematician?"
"Because, it took you far too long to come up with your answer, it was 100% correct, and it was completely useless."

11   
5joke rating: 2.2 (11/5)

8.

This couple board this jetliner for a trip to New York.
The jetliner gets full of passengers and they are to go but, they notice that there are no attendants or pilots.
The door closes and the jetliner starts taxing down the taxiway towards the runway and starts to take off as they are airborne the intercom says,
Welcome to flight 1313 non stop to New York as you can see there are no attendants and or pilots this aircraft is totally computerized so sit back and enjoy the flight because there is nothing that can go wrong go wrong go wrong go wrong .....

11   
5joke rating: 2.2 (11/5)

9.

A Lawyer and the Pope died at the same time, both went to heaven. They were met at the Pearly Gate by St. Peter who conducted them to their rooms.
The Pope's room was spartan with bare floor, army cot for a bed, and a single bulb for light.
They came to the Lawyer's room. It was huge with wall to wall carpeting, king sized water bed, indirect lighting, color TV, stereo, Jacuzzi and fully stocked bar.
The Lawyer said, "There must be a mistake. This must be the Pope's room!"
St Peter said, "There's no mistake. This is your room. We have lots of Pope's, but you're our very first Lawyer!"

14   
7joke rating: 2 (14/7)

10.

I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 bucks that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

11   
6joke rating: 1.83 (11/6)

11.

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother.
On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"
"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"
"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

12   
7joke rating: 1.71 (12/7)

12.

Employer: "We need someone responsible for the job."
"Sir your search ends here! In my previous job whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible."

10   
6joke rating: 1.67 (10/6)

13.

Two truck drivers trying to drive under a bridge.
Driver, "Oh no, the height of bridge is 2.7m and our truck is 3m."
2nd driver, "it's OK, just go, there is no cops around."

11   
8joke rating: 1.38 (11/8)

14.

Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers?
People were confused about which side to spit.

8   
6joke rating: 1.33 (8/6)

15.

A lawyer died and was standing in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter said, "You can't come in here... you have to go to the other place".
But the lawyer was really good and pleaded his case to the point where St. Peter said, "OK... here's what I'll do.
You will spend the same amount of time in hell as you did on earth, and then you can spend the rest of eternity up here."
The lawyer figured this wasn't too bad of a deal, so he said "OK".
St. Peter said, "Great... I'll see you in 350 years."
The lawyer said, "But, how is that possible... I'm only 65 years old!"
St Peter said, "We go by billing hours".

4   
3joke rating: 1.33 (4/3)

16.

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented.

The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession."

The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine."

Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

6   
5joke rating: 1.2 (6/5)

17.

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand.

"If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

6   
5joke rating: 1.2 (6/5)

18.

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

7   
6joke rating: 1.17 (7/6)

19.

A divorce court judge said to the husband,"Mr Geraghty,I have reviewed this case very carefully and I've decided to give your wife $800 a week."
"That's very fair,your honour," he replied. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

7   
6joke rating: 1.17 (7/6)

20.

What would you do if your were in a large room, all sealed up, no windows, the door was locked, and there were 5 hungry tigers, 32 vultures, 17 spitting cobras, 213 tarantulas, 1 laywer, and you had a gun with only two bullets?
Shoot the lawyer twice.

9   
8joke rating: 1.13 (9/8)

21.

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will tell everyone how smart and brave you are and how you are my hero" The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The man said, "Look, I'm a computer programmer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool."

9   
8joke rating: 1.13 (9/8)

22.

A person 2 salesman, "I want pink curtains 4 my computer."
Salesman, "But computer doesnt need curtains!!"
A person, "I HAVE WINDOWS INSTALLED!!"

10   
9joke rating: 1.11 (10/9)

23.

Walking into a lawyers office, a man asked what his rates were.
"Fifty dollars for three questions," the lawyer stated.
"Isn't that awfully expensive?" the man asked?"
"Yes," replied the lawyer. "What's your third question?"

7   
7joke rating: 1 (7/7)

24.

Paddy got a job as a road line-painter. He paints 5 miles on the first day, 2 miles on the second day and 1 on the third day.
"You get worse and worse every day!" yelled his boss.
"That is because the bucket gets further and further away every day." said Paddy.

7   
7joke rating: 1 (7/7)

25.

One day, a priest was walking through a forest, when he came upon a pond. On the pond was a lily-pad, and on the lily-pad was the saddest frog the priest had ever seen!
"Dear frog" the priest asked, "what is the matter? Why re you so sad?"
"Well," said the frog, "I was not always a frog."
"Tell me more" said the priest.
"One day, I was waslking through these woods when I came upon a wicked witch. 'Stand aside witch' I said to her. But alas, she called me a nasty cheeky boy and turned me into a frog."
"But that's terrible! Isn't there anything that can be done to reverse the spell?" asked the priest.
"Well" said the frog, "if a kind person were to take me home for the night, feed me and put me to sleep on their pillow, I am sure I would wake up human again."
"Well, this is your lucky day!" said the priest.
So he took the frog home, fed him and put him to sleep on his pillow. And lo and behold, when he woke up the next morning, there was a 10 year old choir boy in his bead!

"And that Your Honour, is the case for the Defence!"

7   
7joke rating: 1 (7/7)

26.

Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it. " So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

6   
6joke rating: 1 (6/6)

27.

"You seem to be in some distress," said the kindly judge to the witness. "Is anything the matter?"
"Well, your Honor," said the witness, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."

3   
3joke rating: 1 (3/3)

28.

Patient comes to the doctor, doctor says:

- So, what concerns you?
- Dr, everyone ignores me!
- Next!

7   
8joke rating: 0.88 (7/8)

29.

How many lawyers dose it take to change a light bulb?

3, 1 to climb the ladder, 1 to shake it, and 1 to sue the ladder company.

5   
6joke rating: 0.83 (5/6)

30.

A man walks into his office box on a Monday morning. He checks his e-mails and sees one from his neighbor.
it reads, "Do you have any naked photos of your wife?"
Outraged the man replies, "NO I DO NOT!!!!"
Shortly after he receives a second e-mail from his neighbor.
Expecting an apology he opens the e-mail.
It reads, "Want to buy some?"

5   
6joke rating: 0.83 (5/6)

31.

Q. An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?

A. It doesn't matter - none of them exist.

5   
6joke rating: 0.83 (5/6)

32.

Cessna pilot: "Tower, Cessna 12345, student pilot, I am out of fuel."
Tower: "Roger Cessna 12345, reduce airspeed to best glide!"
Do you have the airfield in sight?"
Cessna: "Uh...tower, I am on the south ramp; I just want to know where the fuel truck is."

8   
10joke rating: 0.8 (8/10)

33.

To help someone before they commit a crime means you are their accomplice.
To help someone after they commit a crime means you are their attorney.

6   
8joke rating: 0.75 (6/8)

34.

Doctor, Doctor can you please help me out?

Yes, over there, the same way that you came in!

5   
7joke rating: 0.71 (5/7)

35.

A plumber went to the attorneys house to unstop the sink.
When he finished he said to the attorney, "That will be $400.00."
The attorney became irate, "What do you mean $400.00, you were only here 20 minutes, that's ridiculous!!"
The plumber replied, "I thought the same thing when I was an attorney."

6   
9joke rating: 0.67 (6/9)

36.

Someone asked a detective, "Why are you under a bed sheet?"
The detective replied, "I'm Undercover."

5   
8joke rating: 0.63 (5/8)

37.

Air traffic controller:
"Flight 1234, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
Airline pilot: "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Air Traffic controller: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 737?"

6   
10joke rating: 0.6 (6/10)

38.

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

4   
7joke rating: 0.57 (4/7)

39.

Sherlock Holmes:
- Say, Dr. Watson... are you gay?
- Wha... How did you know?!
- I'm just asking.

4   
13joke rating: 0.31 (4/13)

40.

MALE PROGRAMMER PICKING UP FEMALE PROGRAMMER

Male: I have a bit of data you would be interested in.
Female: Would it be a suitable application for what I'm needing?
Male: We can only but install it to find out!
Female: How do I know if its virus free?
Male: I have the leading market protection!
Female: You do realize, if it fails it could change my parameters!
Male: Don't worry its compatible!

4   
9joke rating: 0.44 (4/9)

41.

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress.
The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.
The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.
The engineer said, "I like both.""Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the plant and get some work done."

3   
6joke rating: 0.5 (3/6)

42.

A mathematician, physicist and economist after Titanic crash on uninhabited island in the middle of Atlantic ocean. Starving to death they found a can of roast beef. They start debating how to open the can without can-opener.
Mathematician suggests to drop the can from the cliff to open it.
Physicist proposes to heat the can on bonfire.
Economist: "Let's suppose the can is opened...."

3   
8joke rating: 0.38 (3/8)

43.

A system administrator has 2 problems:

- dumb users
- smart users

3   
12joke rating: 0.25 (3/12)

44.

How do two programmers make money?

One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses

3   
11joke rating: 0.27 (3/11)

45.

An astronomer, a physicist and a mathematician are on a train in Scotland.
The astronomer looks out of the window, sees a black sheep standing in a field, and remarks, "How odd. Scottish sheep are black."
"No, no, no!" says the physicist. "Only some Scottish sheep are black."
The mathematician rolls his eyes at his companions' muddled thinking and says, "In Scotland, there is at least one field, containing at least one sheep, at least one side of which appears black from here."

2   
5joke rating: 0.4 (2/5)

46.

A patient comes to a doctor, who asks him:

- Do you smoke?
- No.
- Do you drink?
- No.
- Do you eat fast food?
- No.
- Don't worry, I'll find something anyways...

2   
8joke rating: 0.25 (2/8)

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